Two men talkingI believe we are called to live in our brokenness and not hide from it. Yet it is far to common to act like we have it altogether.  We project images of a great life; we set the stage and tone for others to believe that our life has no flaws.  Our biggest fear lies in others finding out all those secrets we keep hidden about who we really are inside.  The tape plays over and over inside our head – “If anyone really knew these things about you, they would want nothing to do with you.  You are the worst sinner.  You are despicable.  What you deal with, no one else is.  Your just a mess.”  Sadly we believe that tape speaks the truth.

I let that tape play out far to long.  I was not shy about letting others know I followed Christ. I wore t-shirts, listened to the music and bought all the paraphernalia, proudly shoving it in their face.  I made it look good all around.  Yet what was happening at home was a different story.  I lived a very different life, one I was not proud of and kept hidden from others.

I lied, cheated and stole. I downloaded images into my brain that may never leave.  I used others for my own selfish gain.  I spewed words from my mouth I can never take back.  I wished people were dead and I treated some like they were.  I cut ties with people out of frustration and anger.  I enjoyed sabotaging others and talking badly about them.  All of my teens and most of my adult life has been about making really horrible choices.  The worst part being I professed living a Christian life, serving as a leader in church and what I told demonstrated and told others didn’t speak of God changing my heart.  At least not for a very long, long time.

It came to a head when all of my choices now meant I risk losing my family or deal with an addiction out of control.  I began admitting I was tired, worn out and couldn’t keep up the image anymore.  I was mentally and physically exhausted from trying so hard to pretend.  I found some guys, started peeling back the layers and being brutally honest about all I was thinking and dealing with.  It was in those moments amidst anger and tears where I discovered these guys weren’t going to leave me. They didn’t kick me to the curb; instead they loved me in spite of myself.  They loved me, despite all the garbage I shared and stuck beside me as I walked me to a place of healing I had never experienced.

I remember how love in the form of others changed me.  It was through those men that I was able to begin putting words to my story, sharing how I was broken and I saw God working through it.  It gave me the courage to begin sharing my story with others, accepting I was broken and couldn’t do it on my own.  I needed others to walk alongside me.

Since that time I have attempted to live a life of transparency.  Being honest about my struggles and the questions that swim around inside my head.  I still make mistakes and I sill mess up, sadly more than I wish.  I have continued to pray and seek out other guys I can share life with, making ourselves available night or day.

As I continue to pursue relationships where I bare my soul and go deep I often get to a place where I believe they don’t see me as having struggles any longer.  I have somehow gotten past it and have moved forward deepening my walk with Christ.  When I have set backs and I go back to some of my old ways it is then, that I often feel like I can’t be honest and say, you know what, I messed up again. I think to myself, just keep quiet.  You don’t want to look like you are going backwards.  They think you are doing well and you don’t want to prove them wrong.  Just stay quiet and unless someone asks don’t share what’s going on. Meanwhile I pull back, continue to suffer silently once again.

THAT IS RIDICULOUS THINKING

I was having a conversation this past week with a friend who asked why I had been so quiet as of late and why we hadn’t talked.  It was in that discussion where I realized the truth of what I just explained. We both admitted we were guilty of the same conclusion.

I needed that conversation, it was a great reminder – pulling away and masking it, never has and never will work.  We need each other. We are broken, that won’t change this side of heaven.  We need others who are willing to walk through life with us and help us up when we fall down.  We need community where we can share and be ok with our messy lives.

We need to stop pretending, admit when we are failing and be ok with that.  If I have to call my brothers a hundred times and tell them I am struggling, so be it.  The burden falls on the rest of us to help carry those who are weaker and sometimes that means a lot of carrying.

The conversation I had with my friend was also a good reminder of how I want to be living my life.  How I want to set the tone and stage to make it easier for others.  Those are the conversations that remind me of why I need you.

Comments
  1. Bob says:

    Excellent, Chris. Why is this so difficult for us? – all of us? I think it’s because all of us – at one time or another…or all the time – are playing that game. Why do we do that?

    Ever notice when you’re in a very transparent mode and you’re not necessarily around people who practice that – or are practicing that at that time? It can be very uncomfortable for them and you. It’s almost like they’re saying – “who are you to be transparent?”…”who are you to try to pull me into that?”

    If I’m honest with myself – the one asking those questions is me more often than not. And many times in very, oh so subtle ways.

  2. Hugh Roberts says:

    Really great blog. Its a good reminder. I’ve seen my brother’s act out of grace so much that it’s reminding me that God has so much grace. I still struggle with being vulnerability but after a while the struggle gets smaller.

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